Alright, let’s take this moment and confront it with a good old fashion: What. The. FFFFuck.

Jupiter Ascending is an upcoming film from Warner Brothers, written and directed by Andy and Lana Wachowski, whose most notable credits include The Matrix Trilogy, V for Vendetta, and the recent kind-of-fail Cloud Atlas. A few weeks ago, I was browsing through new trailers (an almost sadistic pasttime for me, unfortunately) and I came upon this gem … this frustrating, grief-inducing gem. I give you, straight from IMDB, the film synopsis:

In a universe where humans are near the bottom of the evolutionary ladder, a young destitute human woman is targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe because her very existence threatens to end the Queen’s reign.

In a more elaborate plot summary:

Jupiter Jones was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning toilets and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine, a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along – her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

Cool fuckin’ beans, yeah? So what’s my quarrel, you say? THE POTENTIAL – more specifically, THE POTENTIAL FOR KICK ASS WOMAN AMAZINGNESS … and yet the lack thereof. Now I love me some Channing Tatum, but he’s not problem. I mean he is, but he doesn’t have to be. Go ahead, have the elf-eared hunk swoop in and save Mila Kunis – clearly the plot line delineates that Jupiter Jones (which by the way, really guys?) does not know about the reality of her destiny. But, HELLO? JUPITER ASCENDING? ISN’T THE DAMN MOVIE SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HER?! And yet, all we see are snippets of Mila’s googly eyes, looking confused and scared, the poor thing. There is this one shot (see below) which gives me some hope that the female protagonist does come into herself and fulfills her destiny of being amazing.

Jupiter Ascending

Mila/Jupiter (whom is the character pictured, I’m assuming) looks lovely and more importantly, in a position of power and not the damsel in distress. I’m wondering about this Queen of the Universe though, as casting information does not seem to name the actress portraying her. Will they flesh out the battle between these two apparent women of power? Again, the story line seems to have so much potential but all I see are Channing Tatum’s ridiculous elf ears.

Of course, I get it, it’s only a trailer, but it’s all we we have to go off of now – and we can’t ignore the marketing tactics (hot guy saves the hot girl and ultimately the world) even if it does turn out to be totally different from what I imagined it to be … which, honestly, I really hope it is. For my own sake though, I’m not holding my breath.

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